Living With a Perfectionist
Advice From a Therapist
Who is Also a Recovering Perfectionist
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Recently I received an e-mail that said, “I love my wife, but she is a perfectionist. Any advice?” Yes. As a recovering perfectionist, here are some observations that will help you both survive, and even enjoy the journey along the way.
First, let me point out that perfectionists come in both male and female versions, but it will make writing this much easier if I assume the non-perfectionist spouse is male. Besides, I find that females are more likely to strive for perfectionism than their partners, though the advice applies to both sexes.
Also, my comments can be valuable if your parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker hasn’t yet learned that life is a lot more fun and a whole lot easier when he or she learns to distinguish between those things that are important to do well — and those that are not.
Let’s begin with a few examples of what life was like before I learned how to tone down my need to always be right and to do everything as well as I possibly could.
Typical would be a decision to invite a few friends for a simple dinner party. Before I knew it, I would include twice as many guests and three times the number of dishes I had originally planned. When guests offered to bring something, I’d politely let them know I could handle it all myself. However, I’d make certain my husband knew how much work I had put into the evening and I expected compliments for my efforts.
Though I enjoyed having responsible positions within organizations and in my work, and when doing many projects around the house, from refinishing floors to refinishing the piano, I was sure to tell others of my efforts and would almost always do more than necessary. One job that particularly sticks in my memory was the time I painted the inside of the garage and put two coats of paint on the wall behind the power saw. The saw never gets moved. No one will ever see that wall unless we sell the house. But I had to make certain it was well painted!
People who don’t live with a perfectionist may think there are worse things than having a spouse who does a pretty good job with almost everything she does. And while you realize you may feel a little less talented in comparison, it would be useful to have someone who always remembers the details of bringing salt and mosquito repellent on a camping trip.
As you can imagine, one of the reasons people are attracted to perfectionists is that we do what we say we’ll do and finish tasks when others quit. With us around, the non-perfectionist doesn’t have to do as much work.
However, ask someone who has lived with a perfectionist for several years and you will learn that it is hard to continually be the cheerleader for someone with low self-esteem. The very traits that attracted you to her in the beginning can drive you apart, or at least cause conflict.
For example, when we were newly married, I would wrap presents so elaborately that people would take pictures before they opened them. Yet I would resent it when my husband didn’t share the job. Had I thought about it more, I would have realized that he isn’t at all artistic and doesn’t feel that much effort is necessary. It just wasn’t his thing. Besides, the love he presents with a gift in a brown paper bag is no less sincere than love in a fancy box.
Today, as a recovering perfectionist, I know I have been extraordinarily blessed to be married to someone for more than forty-five years with the strength to put up with me. Fortunately, I got into therapy a little about twenty-five years ago and worked very hard on my control issues. However, I wish I had started therapy sooner. It would have made our lives, and the lives of our children, much easier. And if my husband had known how to deal with my perfectionism, it would have saved many years of feeling I wouldn’t be loved unless I worked harder. And he would not have needed to wait (usually patiently) while I took twice as long to do a job as I should have.
Is Your Partner a Perfectionist?
If you suspect your mate is a perfectionist whose traits are damaging your relationship, take the following quiz.
1. Does your mate often enhance her position at work or in social situations by pursuing jobs that are difficult to do and making certain others know how well she has done?
2. Does she tend to assume that you have high standards for her even if you don’t say so?
3. Does she generally hear any comments that counter her opinions as criticism of her as a person?
4. Is she often impatient with her imperfections and do images of past failures plague her?
5. Do others frequently complain that the standards she sets for them are too high?
6. Has she often postponed a job because she hadn’t laid out all the steps needed to do it “correctly,” then become paralyzed at the prospect of not doing it well enough, and end up not doing it at all?
7. Does she frequently behave as though everything she does is going to be inscribed on her tombstone?
8. If you start to tell a story about something you recently learned, does she often make certain that you know that she is also aware of what happened?
9. Does she frequently complain about the incompetence of others, (including you?
10. Does she seem to feel guilty about many things that other people wouldn’t feel guilty about doing?
11. Does she usually react to a simple statement of disagreement as though she has been seriously attacked, even when the criticism is not rude, angry, or demanding?
Notice that the questions above include words like “always,” “often,” and “usually,” because there are times when doing things well works out fine for everyone. No one wants to fail. Striving for excellence is fine and it’s natural to sometimes want others to share in our pride of a job well done.
However, striving for perfection is something else entirely. It can get tiresome having to continually praise a perfectionist spouse who lets you know that admiration is required for all her efforts, who wants you to have as high of standards as she, and who wants to control every situation. So if you answered yes to half of these questions, the chances are you’re living with a perfectionist.
Understanding the Struggle of Perfectionists
In graduate school, I learned about perfectionism, which is related to obsessive-compulsive disorder, and gradually began to recognize those traits in myself. It was liberating to know that the complex feelings I had were understood by someone. It has taken me many years to integrate my learning to a point where I no longer focus so much on what others think of me. Now I hope that I can help you help your spouse become a recovering perfectionist more quickly than I was able to do.
Let’s start with the fact that your spouse probably doesn’t experience herself as trying “too hard.” She doesn’t stop to realize she tries to work at 110% capacity 110% of the time. In fact, every perfectionist I’ve met in my marriage and family practice denies he or she wants to be perfect. They all say, “I’m just trying to do well.” Unaware of their often impossibly high standards, they don’t know when they’ve reached a reasonable place to stop and don’t know what “good enough” means.
As long as your partner doesn’t demand you do more than necessary, of course, you can tolerate the standards she places on herself. Unfortunately, in a world where the achievement of high standards is not usually the norm, including the world within the home, perfectionists feel displeased much of the time. Self-critical, judgmental of others, and opinionated, we often find it hard to see the other person’s point of view, although most of us have learned to be quite pleasant and courteous in our relationships.
This veneer causes us internal distress that others don’t see. When we think about it, we know that 110% is reasonable. But when we don’t achieve that level of success, we feel shamed. And it is this sense of shame that lies at the heart of a perfectionist’s pain, for shame is the feeling that not only have we disappointed someone, we are, at our core, bad in some way. This shame turns easily into anger, which is often suppressed or denied, though our spouses may often feel its effect.
Since we need the approval of others, however, we generally suffer in silence, afraid to show our anger because we need the other person, particularly our spouse, to like us. This fuels the fire even more when we consider the unfairness of being “asked” to do so much.
Unfortunately, the outlook on life between perfectionists and others is exacerbated because we don’t see life in grays, where most people live, but in the polarities of omnipotence and impotence. Constantly checking to see whether we, and others, hit the 110% mark, we experience life as black or white, up or down, with me or against me, success or failure, okay or not okay.
Since we perfectionists only experience high self-confidence — omnipotence — when we reach our high expectations, or what we think are the high expectations of others, we only feel great about ourselves some of the time. And even though we may do well more often than the average person, it isn’t often enough from our perspective and, therefore, we frequently feel impotent. This doesn’t make sense, you may say, for your perfectionist seems so composed and capable. You can’t see the inner struggle she goes through every day.
Imagine what it must feel like to constantly check to see whether another person — spouse, teacher, parent, sibling, friend, boss, or child — believes you did what you think you were “supposed” to do, and whether you did it well enough.
In actual fact, of course, your perfectionist may have done exactly what you wanted her to do (or what you would have been satisfied to accept) long before she finally got around to finishing a project. You, of course, would find it only reasonable to check with the person who asked you to do a job so you could understand what he or she required. But from the perspective of a perfectionist, this would be a sign of weakness and indicate she hadn’t understood the instructions, mind-reading being one of the skills perfectionists think they “ought” to have. Since they need the approval of others so badly, they’re not willing to confront the other person and learn whether they’ve guessed correctly. So they put on a cheerful face, yet shudder in fear they won’t be liked!
Since perfectionists think they’ve been appointed God’s assistant, they must be very careful and make sure all their decisions are the best possible in the circumstances. Consequently, as you have undoubtedly already discovered, it can take a long time for her to choose not only the best pattern of wallpaper for the dining room, but any DVD she rents. This may drive you crazy, but remember that she doesn’t want to take any chances that she will choose “wrong.” She isn’t yet able to see that that any choice that anyone makes is simply part of the human condition: sometimes we make great choices, sometimes we don’t.
That is why you may sometimes get a sense of foreboding when she suggests you choose the evening’s movie or restaurant. She may be able to avoid putting in her two-cent’s worth, but she is secretly afraid that you may not make quite as good a choice as you “should.” Then, if you happen to choose something that you both agree is terrible, despite all the good reviews you’ve read, she may be outwardly magnanimous in forgiving you, even laughing about it. But inside there is a good chance she is disappointed in you for not choosing better. After all, as God’s appointed assistant in making sure the universe runs smoothly, if you don’t make mistakes, her life is easier.
The Origins of Perfectionism
How does such a complex personality develop? Usually it began when we decided that our parents, good souls though they may otherwise have been, didn’t think we were okay unless we met their expectations. Those expectations may have been perfectly reasonable, but we concluded that we weren’t okay just as we were — only when we performed. Come home with all A's and one B? I'd be questioned on why I got the B.
It is nice to get praise for doing well, of course. Praise helps us know we have reached the goals someone thinks we can reach. Praise can reinforce the good feeling that comes from finishing a difficult task. All of us like to experience that sense of achievement. Winning a race can leave us feeling we’re on the top of the world. The problem is that no one stays on the top forever. Rather than accepting our new position as somewhere between the top and bottom, we feel impotent. We feel “ordinary,” an uncomfortable feeling because our parents wanted us to be special.
Our perfectionism also grew out of the fact that as children we didn’t learn that mistakes were a natural and acceptable part of life. We didn’t learn that they were to be honored because they offer a chance to learn to live in the middle ground between success and failure.
Does any of this help you understand your partner a little better? Perhaps now
you can see why some of the traits that seemed so endearing at the beginning of your relationship
are starting to wear a bit thin. You’re tired of having to watch each step you take to make
certain she doesn’t get upset. You’re tired of having to be very careful when pointing
out something she didn’t do as well as expected for fear she will think you don’t love
her. And if she also tends to have a bit of a martyr complex, which is not uncommon with perfectionists,
that can be an additional challenge.
What can you do? First, I suggest you remember that it isn’t comfortable
living in a perfectionist’s skin. I strongly suspect she would appreciate your help in getting
past her fear of failure and in becoming more accepting of the middle ground where most people
live. If you seriously give these suggestions a good try, I will almost guarantee that life will
be better for both of you.
 Understand
yourself: How well do you handle anger, guilt, worry, and criticism? What
dreams do you have yet to fulfill? You can’t help your partner very easily if you don’t
know how your past might be affecting you today — and that what you do or don't do about
that has ramifications for your relationship. Knowing who you are and recognizing your own
struggles and weaknesses will help you respond to the perfectionist family member with greater
compassion.
Remember
the importance that shame plays in your partner’s makeup and be willing to talk about
it: If you sense that your partner’s reaction to a real or implied
criticism by you or someone else is causing her distress, reassure her that she is loved,
even if she hasn’t done everything as well as she, or others, would have liked.
It also helps to let her know that you understand how she might react negatively
because of her experience growing up (assuming you know enough about her background to recognize
the seeds of her perfectionism). Unfortunately, we tend not to discuss shame and other intense
emotions, as Brock Hansen, LCSW, notes in Shame and Anger: The Criticism Connection:
“Talking about shame tends to evoke some of the sting of this powerful
and painful feeling. Many of our basic affective states seem to have an infectious or contagious
quality to them. There is a universal tendency to suppress expression of powerful affect in public—perhaps
because its expression can be contagious.” [For example, terror, rage and mob violence.]
“Shame and distress are similarly contagious, especially within
the primary groups with which we identify: our families. When we see the posture and facial expression
of shame on the face of our parent or our child, we often identify and feel the shame ourselves.
. . . Shame motivates us first to hide, to avoid eye contact, and to keep quiet, though the anger
response that follows may motivate us to protest. It may be that this contagious and uncomfortable
response to shame, even as a subject for discussion, is part of the reason we do not talk about
it.”
NOTE: Article continued on sidebar.
© Copyright 2008, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
