Q-and-A Club: Bad Design and Good Customs

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Q-and-A Club Questions

Community of the Curious and Courageous

Category: Understanding Yourself, #4

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Secrets That Can Prevent the Love You Want

Deciding when to share a secret, and when not to, can be confusing for both couples and friends who aren't sure what telling a secret will mean to the relationship. Sometimes we don't share a secret out of a desire to not hurt the other person. Other times, we don't share a secret because we feel guilty, foolish, or stupid. We figure it's better that the other person not know so we won't have to deal with our guilt and our foolishness. When to tell or not tell?

Some of the best advice on the topic comes from two of my favorite relationship writers, a doctor and nurse couple who are specialists in helping couples heal their marriages and partnerships. Barry and Joyce Vissell are authors of the book you see on this page and creators of the Shared Heart Foundation newsletter. In their January, 2008, issue they wrote the article When is a Secret Toxic and When is it Healthy? and gave me permission to reprint it on Support4Change.

In discussing when secrets are good or bad for a relationship, the Vissells write:

"Rule of thumb: healthy secrets bring you closer to your loved ones, unhealthy secrets create barriers. Healthy secrets are surprises that bring more love to both you and your loved ones. Unhealthy secrets hide a part of your heart, disguise your vulnerability which denies a gift to your loved one, or prevents your loved one from supporting you. Healthy secrets build relationships, unhealthy secrets destroy relationships."

Their article shares a touching story of a man whose heart was opened when he learned how to share a secret he had kept from the time he served in Vietnam twenty years before.

If you have secrets that are keeping you from having a healthy and strong relationship, I recommend you read their article on Toxic Secrets. There you will also learn how to get in touch with them and possibly join one of the Vissells' couples workshops.

The questions I pose encourage you to explore whether you allow toxic secrets to keep you from building a deeper level of love and connection in your life.

Is there a secret I keep because I am afraid someone will think less well of me? What makes me feel the other person would reject me?

Is there something so terrible in my past that I have been reluctant to share it with anyone? Why?

What do I think will happen if my loved one or friend discovers something about me that I'm trying to hide?

Is there a secret I shared that caused another person to leave me or think less of me? Could that have been because I told the story poorly, or was the other person not capable of listening to anything that did not support his or her image of what our relationship should be?

Has anyone told me a secret that proved fatal in our relationship because I could not know that fact and still accept that person? Why?

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