The Many Levels of Betrayal

BY JOYCE AND BARRY VISSELL

Reprinted with permission.

There are many kinds of betrayal in a relationship and recognizing when you have been betrayed, or when you betray another, can make the difference between a broken and a healed relationship.

When you hear the word "betrayal," you probably think of a very serious event. You may think of a major breech of trust, like when your next-door neighbor swindled your parents out of a lot of money and then left town. In the realm of love relationships, betrayal often brings to mind an extramarital affair.

Yet betrayal has many levels. A minor betrayal is still a betrayal. It can hurt a lot. Here's are some examples:

Russ needed to stay late at his office to catch up. He knew Denise always wanted to know when he would be late, but this time he forgot to call her. Two hours later when he came home, he was surprised by the intensity of Denise's upset. She had been very worried about Russ' safety. They had an agreement. He forgot. And she felt hurt and angry.

To Russ, forgetting to call Denise was a little thing. But to Denise, this was more than forgetting. It was the breaking of a very important agreement, and this equals betrayal.

Ellen and Bill had an agreement to not "bad mouth" each other to family members or friends. One night they had an argument. Bill stomped out of the room and refused to talk with her. Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was Ellen's mother. In her upset and need for communication, she told her mother some of what had happened, including some of the negative words Bill had spoken to her. When Bill later returned and was ready to work things out, she told him about her conversation with her mother. Bill felt deeply hurt and angry — and betrayed.

Again, to Ellen, she had no awareness that she may have been betraying Bill. And certainly she had no intention of doing this. Yet to speak negatively to her mother about Bill (even in her sadness and need for understanding) was a betrayal. It would not have been a betrayal to share the same material with a professional therapist in a session.

Then there are more serious betrayals, yet people often don't recognize them as such.

Tim agreed to give up smoking cigarettes. Norma had finally made it clear how upsetting his habit was for her. After one successful month of abstinence, Tim could no longer resist the temptation. He started smoking again. But he kept it a secret from Norma. He couldn't bear her disappointment. However, four months later she woke up in the middle of the night, looked out the window and saw Tim smoking on their back porch. When she confronted him, he admitted to sneaking cigarettes for four months. She felt so deceived and betrayed that she sought professional help the next morning.

At their therapy appointment, Tim had trouble seeing his actions as a more serious betrayal. He felt his actions lacked integrity, but with the help of the therapist, he could hear Norma's pain of betrayal. She felt that his secretive smoking was like he was having an affair, but the "other woman" was tobacco.

The most serious betrayals besides extra-marital affairs can include all the various addictions (alcohol, drugs, yes even food and workaholism), other major breeches in trust like serious lies, or withheld truths about a partner's past. Remember, sometimes emotional affairs with someone outside the relationship can be just as painful as sexual affairs. We have seen people feel seriously betrayed by their partner's intimate connections on the Internet. Many people fall into the trap of thinking that they are not having an affair if they are not having sex with another person. More than sex, it's the exclusivity and secrecy of the relationship that causes feelings of betrayal. To know that your partner is sharing an intimate spiritual/emotional connection with someone else, can be extremely painful.

How do you heal betrayal?

The first step is naming it, acknowledging that it happened rather than pretending it didn't. It needs to be admitted, rather than rationalized or defended it in any way. Remember, there are many levels of betrayal.

Next, the feelings need to be expressed, not explained — by both parties. There may be fear, anger, hurt, sadness, grief, even rage. This may need to be done in a supervised setting with a professional.

The betrayer (we know this may sound a bit harsh) needs to sincerely apologize for the actions that caused pain in his or her partner.

Finally, both partners need to take responsibility for their own part in the dynamics of the relationship that led up to the betrayal. Remember, all of relationship is a dance between two partners. Both contribute to the love, the harmony, and the dysfunction. Each partner brings into the relationship their own baggage from the past, and must take responsibility for these issues.

In Light in the Mirror: A New Way to Understand Relationships, in a section called "One-Sided Blame," Joyce and I wrote about a sexual affair I had with another woman. After first blaming me and feeling like an innocent victim, she eventually realized her contribution. In her devotion to me, she had been neglecting herself. She had been in some ways loving me more than herself. This led to a major shift and healing in our relationship. Joyce began to turn her total devotion to me into devotion to her own inner God-Self, to honor her own beauty, strength and abilities. Because of this, I was able to more deeply love and respect her, and our relationship could really take off.

© Copyright The Shared Heart Foundation. Reprinted with permission.

Sex Addiction

From the Vissell's "Intensity or Intimacy?" article on their website, reprinted with permission.

Bill finds himself fantasizing more and more about other women — while having sex with his wife.

Sharon has had between twenty and thirty affairs with other men (she claims she's lost count!). Her husband apparently knows nothing about it.

Larry has lately been downloading pornography on his office computer, some-times up to two hours a day — on office time!

All of these examples illustrate the choice of intensity over intimacy. They are examples of sex addiction, where sex is a form of drug or substance to be abused. In each case, intimacy is being replaced by intensity, a true connection of love replaced by an artificial high, an addictive seeking for powerful feelings at the expense of another. Sex has become a commodity. In fact, in the process of sex addiction, people have become a commodity too.

Sex addiction is running rampant, becoming an epidemic of huge proportions (in part, thanks to the Internet), not only in this country but all over the world. The purpose of this article is not to give a psychiatric treatise on this subject, but more to raise our consciousness on this highly charged issue, to see more clearly the often subtle ways we choose intensity over intimacy. So many people are daily making the choice for intensity without ever being aware of it. Many others feel driven to choose intensity, acting out addictive sexual behaviors, which continue to escalate (as it does with any drug, requiring more and more to get the high), often placing the addict in situations of greater and greater risk of being caught. After each time of acting out, there is the inevitable sinking into depressions of guilt and shame. Just like with any addictive substance, the end result can by disastrous, with loss of marriage, family, career, money, and self-respect.

In The Heart's Wisdom, we present the analogy of fast food versus a carefully prepared and healthful meal. Our culture has become addicted to fast food (as well as fast everything), quick, easy, thoughtless meals almost devoid of nutrition and gobbled down as fast as we can. If good nutrition is our priority, however, we find ways to take the time to prepare healthful meals. We also take the time to eat these meals slowly, savoring each mouthful, chewing slowly and carefully, allowing the goodness of the food to be digested fully.

So it is with sex. There is sex as a "fix," to quickly discharge the pent-up tension, and there is sex that is a gourmet meal between two people. There is sex without consciousness or intimacy, and there is loving sex. There is sex that keeps people alone, and sex that draws people closer together. There is abusive sex and healing sex. Of course it's not black and white. There are many gradations in between.

Most important, the root cause of sex addiction is the fear and avoidance of intimacy. One of my favorite sayings is the definition of intimacy as "into me see." Intimacy is saying to someone, "Look deeply inside of me." Intimacy is allowing yourself to be visible. It's showing someone else the deeper and vulnerable parts of yourself: your fears, sadness, grief, or pain; as well as your dreams, visions, joy or childlikeness. Instead, because we are afraid of being rejected or abandoned, we put on a mask and pretend to be what we think the world wants us to be. We act confident, self-assured, strong, ever happy or peaceful, thinking this will win us the love we are wanting. But it doesn't. It only serves to push people further away from us because they can't relate with our mask, our false persona.

Sex addiction is the misguided attempt to get the love we need through sex. I remember the first time I masturbated. I was perhaps thirteen years old. The experience was overwhelming in its sheer power and ecstatic feelings. I was totally unprepared. I remember thinking I had discovered the most amazing thing in the world. But I told no one. Even without being aware of it, my unconscious sexual shame (or perhaps the collective unconscious sexual shame) told me to keep this secret from everyone. In the following days, weeks and months, I kept trying to re-experience the same ecstasy, but increasing masturbation produced less and less joy. Now I know that first sexual experience gave me a taste of divine connection, a taste of what could be experienced by connecting with the divine, both in myself and in a loving partner. But as a young teen, I naturally thought it was the masturbation itself that gave me that high experience. In all these years, I am learning that it is who I am, rather than what I do, that gives me the real pleasure.

If we could only know how deserving we are of the highest love and connection with a mate, that behind the masks we wear, it is our naked selves that are exquisitely beautiful. No image we project could ever compare with our natural loveliness. No mistake we have ever made can erase our goodness. Love is our birthright. This is the deepest cure for sex addiction.

© Copyright, April 2000, The Shared Heart Foundation