Quirky News, Headlines and Ads

July 22, 2011
Unintentional humor is often funnier than a joke a comedian has spent days perfecting.

Newspaper Front PageWhen going through some old emails recently, I found one that was sent to me a couple years ago from a Gail H. Don’t know who she is, but she’s sent several over the years that are worth reading.

In the email were very funny ads and bits of news that apparently came from small town newspapers — or from the desk of a harried big-city copy writer who didn’t have enough time to check his work. On the other hand, maybe someone just has a sense of humor and is trying to snag customers — and confuse readers — by getting their attention.

Unfortunately, I’m not able to copy the pictures that came with the email so that you could know they are from genuine advertisements and articles, but I will share them with you anyway. Then, as you travel this summer, perhaps returning to your home town or stopping in a small hamlet with the local newspaper set out on the counter, look for the funny, quirky, unintentionally humorous pieces of stuff you just couldn’t make up, and share them with me.

Incidentally, have you ever noticed how the front page of all newspapers are essentially the same? Even this paper, printed in a language I can’t read, probably has some of the ubiquitous headline topics you find around the world: National or international news. Local corruption uncovered.  Objections to a proposed bypass through a much-loved recreational area. Retirement announcement of well-loved official. Forced retirement of a corrupt official. Variation on cat-in-tree for human interest. Celebrity shenanigans. ETC.

No matter in what language you would read the following, I’m sure you would find them funny.

Advertisments

Get 50% off or half price, whichever is less

FOR SALE – collection of old people. CALL 253-[rest of phone number blacked out]

FULL SIZE mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. $40. (818) 222 [rest of phone number blacked out]

HUMAN SKULL. USED ONCE only. Not plastic. $200 OBO Dr. Scott Tyler

1995 NISSAN Maxima, green leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500. Not for sale.

TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady 508-375 [rest of phone number blacked out]

Headlines

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Fish Need Water,  Feds Say

Alton attorney accidentally sues himself

County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds

Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum

Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Army Vehicle Disappears: AN Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

Police blotter

5:00 Police were called to Market Square for a report about a “suspicious coin.” Investigating officer reported it was a quarter.

The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center; making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a card board cutout of Arnold Schwarnzenegger.

Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday. The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police records.

Corrections

Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant 38, [deleted] was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday’s paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing. The Public Opinion apologies for its error.

Citizen’s Opinion

. . . Debra Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual. “I don’t have to get all dressed up like I’m going to Wal-Mart or something,” she said, adding she shops at Williams’ store . . .

Don’t forget to check local newspapers on your vacation and send me the samples of human error for all to see.

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