Puns in Honor of My Husband

October 2, 2014
 Take a quick break and enjoy these puns.

Bob loved puns. I have heard him tell hundreds of them. However, early in our marriage I learned to neither laugh nor groan; it would only encourage him.

One of his favorites was a double pun. It seems that three sons inherited a large ranch out on the wide open land of Texas. They decided to call it “Focus” — because that was where the sons raise meat. It is also where the sun’s rays meet.

I have no idea what happens after we die. I don’t know if we go somewhere else or hang around to watch what is happening to the people we knew in life. So in case he knows what I am doing today, he may be pleased I am sharing some of the puns he liked to tell.

Here are ten puns that he liked. In fact, the last pun is one he told to a group of engineers two weeks before he died when he was given an award as the first Technical Fellow in his company. The engineers were polite enough to laugh – and groan.

These were the 10 first-place winners in an International Pun Contest. I’ve had this list around for several years so you may have already heard them, but a pun repeated is still a pun. (If I were good at making up puns, I could do something with the last sentence, but I’m not, so I won’t.)

  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”


  1. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam”!


  1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.


  1. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”


  1. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


  1. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”


  1. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”


  1. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


  1. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


  1. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them smile. No pun in ten did.

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