Forgiving Yourself and Others — Not just “forgiving”

This article originally appeared on the Support4Change website, and is reposted here.

Learn how to forgive both yourself and others with a technique that recognizes we all do the best we can and that we can’t control the behavior of others.

ReconciliationThere is a great deal of confusion about what it means to forgive and about how to do it. Hopefully these ideas, which over the years I have discovered work best for my clients and for myself, will also be valuable for you.

What does it mean to forgive?

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Are You a Scanner or a Perfectionist?

In this review of Barbara Sher’s book, Refuse to Choose!, the concept of Scanners is explored and will help you idenify if you are one.

It has long been an axiom that perfectionism causes procrastination, which leads to paralysis in which the perfectionist can’t seem to do anything. So if someone has difficulty getting started on projects, or goes from one project to another without completing them, she may assume she is a failed perfectionist. She wants to do well but doesn’t do anything.

However, in Refuse to Choose! : A Revolutionary Program for Doing Everything That You Love by Barbara Sher, a best-selling author of six self-help books, you will learn than not all who are paralyzed are perfectionists. Well, they may have a bit of perfectionism in them, for in a perfectionism society it’s not surprising if there is a little of that in all of us. Read More

Who Are Your Personal Heroes and Heroines?

Expand relationships by asking yourself questions about who your personal heroes and heroines

If you are new to this feature of the Support4Change Blog, here are some suggestions for exploring questions for yourself and also for your family and friends.

Heroes are made by the paths they choose, not the powers they are graced with. ― Brodi AshtonEverneath

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My own heroes are the dreamers, those men and women who tried to make the world a better place than when they found it, whether in small ways or great ones. Some succeeded, some failed, most had mixed results… but it is the effort that’s heroic, as I see it. Win or lose, I admire those who fight the good fight. ― George R.R. Martin

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How Hard Have You Worked for Power and Prestige?

Expand relationships by asking questions your personality

Note: If you are new to this feature of the Support4Change Blog, here are some suggestions for exploring questions for yourself and also for your family and friends.


I try to keep in my mind the simple question: Am I trying to do good or make myself look good? Too many of our responsibilities get added to our plate when we are trying to please people, impress people, prove ourselves, acquire power, increase our prestige. All those motivations are about looking good more than doing good. — Kevin DeYoung

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War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today. — John F. Kennedy

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Fame is part of me and my life as an actor. I enjoy the creative aspects of my life as an actor. I enjoy directing and acting as well. But the bottom line for me is not prestige and power. It’s about having an exciting, creative life. — Matt Dillon


The questions in this post are designed to help you explore whether you strive for power and prestige — and what it would mean to you if you achieved the highest position one could have in business, entertainment, politics, fashion, and so forth. Read More

The Five Stages to Changing One’s Behavior

Two articles to help you make positive change in your life.

Coastpath south of Treyarnon (4) - geograph.org.uk - 1473712 How often have you watched someone struggling with a problem that would be easily resolved if only they did things differently? Probably lots of times.

Why don’t they see what needs to be done? Why don’t they enter therapy or in some other way actively work to resolve their problems, reduce their symptoms and retool their lives?

Well, it seems that everyone needs to go through five stages before they are able to actually change their behavior, and to maintain those changes by having insight into how their behavior affects their work and relationships.

Read more about these stages in Transformation Now (or maybe later).

Knowing this is a common process for all of us may make you more tolerant of a spouse, child, friend, etc. who seems stuck in behavior that is getting him nowhere.